Okay so last week I went to an event where I met a man and we randomly started talking. He was an older gentleman, very sweet and smart, the mentor type. We started talking about a young girl that he mentors who is dealing with the “wrong men”. She actually has a young man that is chasing after her who is great, but shes not attracted to him. This gentleman (let me name him Mr. Q for now) is telling me that this guy looks like the perfect catch on paper…good job, great personality, humor, educated, driven, etc. What more could a girl ask for? Well Mr. Q tells me that unfortunately this young woman is dealing with a man that is simply put all wrong for her. He treats her like crap, isn’t driven at all, doesn’t help her in any way, shape or form. So Mr. Q then begins to explain to me the difference between the “Real Deal” and a “Situation”.
The first young man is a “Real Deal”. He is someone that is a young woman would want for the long run (according to Mr. Q). The “situation” is just for now, he could never be a long-term mate because he simply put “doesn’t have his Sh*t together”. Then Mr. Q turn to me and asks what I typically deal with…. am I typically attracted to the “Real Deals” or the “Situations”?
I don’t know why this question caught me so off-guard because its not like I haven’t thought about this topic before. Why does it seem like we as women AND men are not attracted to the “Real Deal”? Ive had numerous conversations with some of my closest male and female friends and Ive come to the conclusion that for the most part, we as humans are interested in the challenge of mating. We’re told for so long that nothing good comes easy, so we look for the not-so-simple SITUATIONS in hopes that with some hard work and time they will become THE REAL DEAL.
Mr. Q taught me a valuable lesson that night…you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Ladies and gentlemen, we do not have the ability to change people. If a man is a liar in the beginning of the relationship, there’s nothing you can do to change him, he has to want to change on his own…and honestly if hes a liar WTH are you doing in that relationship anyway? If a woman doesn’t call you as much as you want her too, you can complain and give her the cold shoulder all you want, but shes got to reach her own epiphany on her own time to realize that there’s a problem.
So what am I saying? YOU (of course I’m including myself in this conclusion) CANNOT CHANGE HIM/HER! You’re only wasting your time if you try. If you really love that person, youve got to take the good with the bad and somehow make compromises. Ive seen way too many of my friends get hurt because of a failed relationships for this very reason, but this conversation with Mr. Q really made me realize how hard we make life for ourselves.
Well think on it…have you ever consciously or unconsciously tried to change someone?
I’m still learning and growing, so please…leave a comment, we might teach each other something.
“The face of a lover is an unknown, precisely because it is invested with so much of oneself. It is a mystery, containing, like all mysteries, the possibility of torment”.- James Baldwin
TOODLES, until next time. XOXOXO
**Snaps** I have definitely tried to accelerate the growth in a man…but to no avail. It’s the literary tragic flaw…You think, “he’s perfect except…” You have only two options… You either have to wait it out (until they’re ready to make the change) or move on without them… There is no changing them.
By: Estella on November 25, 2009
at 1:09 am
What makes us attracted to the unattainable? Do we like the chase? Do we feel some kind of accomplishment if we do finally get that person? Idk
By: labellerochelle on November 25, 2009
at 2:51 am
I think people try to change others because they are unhappy with themselves. I believe people seek out and find themselves in “situations” because they don’t truly love themselves and are convinced that a “situation” is all they deserve. Like being brainwashed. Part victim, part accomplice, playing a role in their own emotional demise (and sometimes worse).
You are right,you can and as Granny said “Don’t take no wooden nickles”.
By: Rachel on November 25, 2009
at 3:33 am
“Real Deal” vs. “Situations”
When you have your own flaws the “real deal” match can be less appealing. Meaning who wants the “real deal” mate when you feel that you are less than “real deal” yourself? Every guy wants a “real deal” girl (the whole freak in the bed, lady in the streets saying), but you want her when you can be the “real deal” guy for her. Until you feel your ready to be that guy you deal with the “situations”. “Situations” can have many roles. Someone who is a work in progress like a “situation” is more appealing if you consider yourself a work in progress.
On another note, you are setting yourself up for failure if you think you can out right change someone. I personally think I’m the “real deal” for some and “situation” for others. I’ve never had a girl try to change me but I’ve ran into the classic “well my father does this for me” and that to can be an issue.
With that all being said “situations” help you realize who the “real deal” are in the long run.
By: Travis on November 25, 2009
at 3:42 pm
Ok, please ignore my typos…
By: Rachel on November 25, 2009
at 6:13 pm
I like this blog!!! Really cool stuff will keep checking it and hope you keep it up!!! Proud of you.
By: J Mac on November 26, 2009
at 12:00 am
oh me oh my.. have i ever spent the last umpteenth years trying to primp, and prod, always correcting someone’s grammar, applied to jobs, organizations and schools for guys, all to have nothing ever gained in return accept utter frustration. the funny thing about my “situations” are that i do what i do out of pure compassion. i want to “fix” the guy because i care, especially when it comes to the black man. in my head, i refuse to let a brother get away with sheer laziness. its disgusting and sad. I KNOW that some whom I’ve been interested in are not the real deal so I want to mold and shape them into a deal that IS real.
But I’ve come to know that it’s just a waste of time. The next time I plan on chasing a black man and trying to fix his flaws will be time well spent on my son.
But hey Rochelle, what about the guys that go for the wrong girls? What about the “good, clean, nice” girls who get picked over and are left to wonder “hey, why not me”?
By: Lia on December 8, 2009
at 5:17 pm
Yes Lia I think some people try to change people for the better all the time, but its really up to that person to want the change to happen. I’ve been in a situation where the guy was trying to change me in little ways and it really started to hurt my feelings. Luckily I got out of that situation, but looking back I really wonder why he dealt with me if I never did anything right in his eyes, it was partly my fault for being in that situation too so I cant fault him for my unhappiness.
And youre right there are women that are passed up by men all the time. I think it goes both ways. Buy my aunt used to compare women to an apple tree. The great women are at the top of the apple tree and the man really has to put in a lot of hard work to get to that apple. The easier and less sophisticated apples to get to are lower to the ground, the man doesnt have to do much to get an apple thats already fallen from the tree. What do you think?
Id rather be the apple at the top and be with a man thats willing to put in the work (as a team) to achieve greatness together…and this means I might have to wait. Yes the waiting is annoying and theres a lot of lonliness involved but I believe one day it will pay off.
By: labellerochelle on December 10, 2009
at 11:22 pm
Oh most definitely, I firmly believe that I am the highest apple on the tree, but knowing my disposition, once that man takes a bite of that apple, I’m sure he’ll start choking on it at some point
By: Lia. K on December 29, 2009
at 2:44 am